It Is So Fun To Be Me!

I have been feeling so fabulous these days.I have been going out on fun adventures and events with my girlfriends and laughing up a storm.

It is so fun to be me!

I have been fulfilling my own pleasures and desires as I please. I follow my bliss.

This is my focus and what matters.

I know I have stepped into yet another template of my life.

I truly believe that I have left the old world behind for good.

I decided to start communicating with a man recently, that I dated about a year ago. This man totally confused me at the time.

He knew right up front through reading my profile that my purpose for dating was to find the man that will be my life partner with the desire to grow young with me. I am not interested in a fling was clear from the start.

I also asked him if he was ready to be in a relationship at this time. He said he was.

Well be forewarned, you can have your profile tweaked just so and be filtering out the men you do not want and attract the men more suited for your purpose of dating, and still have the wrong one show up.

His words and actions made it so I did not know if I was coming or going, back then.

At the time I was really attracted to him and had not been attracted to a man like that, for a long time.

So recently I started communicating with him by texting him something fun and flirty and he seemed like a bump on a log with his responses.

Oh this felt very familiar, indeed. He did not respond until I wrote something with the words, pleasure and desire. Well he was on that faster than you could believe. "Tell me more about that!"

When we were dating he went out of his way to converse with me in a way that seemed like he was really into me. Then he would not call for more than a week.

Then it seemed he would open up to me with his fun 5 yr plan of an early retirement or tell me about his trip to Austria where he lived for a while. Which makes a woman feel like he is telling her because he sees her in his future.

So the lesson here for women is observe without emotion and do not go there unless he invites you or gives you a date to plan on. For the men out there that want to be conscious partners, please do not say these things out loud. Try us on, for how we could fit in your life inside your head only please, unless you have a date set and invite us to join you.

The clincher was when he made a date for my birthday dinner and canceled it just before.

I wanted to know what was going on? I had really been pulled in here through manipulation, I now can see as I write this.

He ended up emailing me and telling me he was looking for unconditional fornication. Do you believe someone would say that? That is what I was thinking at the time, after feeling like he had been leading me on and was quite confused by it.

I told him to see as many women as he chooses to. "You can't have me!"

What a waste of time. He did not get what he wanted, I did not get what I wanted. What is the point?

There are women that want that too. There is nothing wrong with that but be honest.

I was thrown for a loop and it hurt. I wondered what is it that I must believe within myself in order to put up with such nonsense?

Part of this is, that I do not think the way he does. I would not think to act sweet at first to try and trick someone into bed.

I also started to come up with excuses for him like, maybe he felt rejected by me and it was a misunderstanding? Maybe he just sabotaged a relationship because he is emotionally immature and not really ready as he thought he was to be in a relationship?

We as women are famous for this kind of rationalizing and compassion, aren't we?

What I find is the more attracted we are to someone the more triggers that can come up from our childhood. This is a perfect opportunity to clear the blocks that are getting in our way.

For me, I had been through a sexual abuse trauma when I was three yrs old. So I knew intuitively that by going back to face what ever this was, would allow me to let go of this trauma once and for all. I knew I was this close.

This man was such a blessing really because I was able to truly reflect on what was going on within me and let go of the lies and what was no longer serving me.

I learned so much more about myself which is such a beautiful thing.

I like to test how far I have come and I was ready to go back because there was something else that I did not understand, even though a year had gone by since I had spoken to him last.

I could feel a pull on my heart strings telling me there is more to see.

It felt familiar, which indicates an old pattern is running the show. I just could not figure out what it was?

Well what I realized on this little exploration of revisiting the past was that I had opened up to him more than I should have because I thought that a man with his position in life ( a Principal of a famous school), would be someone in his integrity, with their word being impeccable and someone I could trust.

Call me naive, but I always trusted my Principals, as a kid growing up. As it needs to be.

Remember when there is trauma as a child a part of us splits off from ourselves and stays immature until you become aware and then you can let it go and discover the gift.

I was able to see this for the first time, in a new way for what it really was. A change in perception was my gift. I have this feeling like I have arrived and it feels so fantastic, with this lightness of being that is beyond words.

I have learned to step back and observe men without my emotions getting involved. Is he worthy of my valuable time?

This man was not authentic and certainly not for me. Instantly I was no longer attracted to this man and it felt like such a relief to let go and understand the truth finally.

It is a deal breaker if a man is not in his integrity and can not be trusted.

I had awakened to a truth I did not see earlier and for that I am very grateful.

This mans' behavior has nothing to do with me.

After he found out the name of my blog, he said to me,"You've got soul, but it has nothing to do with me."

What he does not know is that how you treat others is how you treat yourself.

To look back at that time in my life, I am able to forgive and love myself for not knowing then what I know now.

It is important for us to love and forgive ourselves for the past mistakes.

I have forgiven him as well, for he knows not what he does. I say this even though his intentions from the beginning were to play the game and communicate or not, in a way that inferred that I was lesser than who I really am.

Well I do not buy it for one moment.

I feel so much more stronger for going through this. I also love the fact that I would never mislead or misrepresent myself and treat another human being as he did with me.

I love that I am so deeply compassionate, considerate and kind towards others.

Agape love is real. I choose to see the well being in others.

Namaste,
Katherine Lia

Comments

[Troy]

think on this:

Writing this (see quote below) does not make you appear stronger to me as you are not allowing this person the freedom to be himself by your statement. He was doing what he believed would bring him happiness and he went for it despite not resonating with what you want.

"I would never do that" has a victim mentality attached to it and it has been described as an "identity trap" and you give up your freedom in a sense (see Living Free in an Unfree World, by Harry Brown)

Your quote:

"I feel so much more stronger for going through this. I also love the fact that I would never mislead or misrepresent myself and treat another human being as he did with me"

[Katherine Lia]

Troy, I appreciate your comments.
I do feel like I really let go of something big and I awakened more to knowing the truth about myself.
This man went out of his way to mislead me, acting like he was really into me. This can cause another person emotional pain that is unnecessary. I was very up front on where I stood and he misrepresented himself. I would never misrepresent myself and disregard someone elses feelings. I have too much empathy to go there.I am an RN and love people.I was the kid growing up that people older than me ganged up on and kicked and called me ugly in 7th grade.I took responsibility and explored my inner being and found out what I needed to in order to have the truth appear.This experience took me to a whole new and wonderful place in my life. I let go of the lies I had been holding on to since childhood. This man is a blessing in my life for holding up a mirror that I needed to see for me to know more of who I am.I have let go of the old world completely, including childhood sexual abuse.Your darn right, it is fun to be me! Ask my friends about the life I lead. I love my life and it loves me back tenfold. I want to shout it out to everyone that will listen! This is true freedom.