Dating: Seeking To Understand Men

Many of you know of my latest adventure to the state of Oregon. It most certainly was food for my soul.

It also held the experience of me being left baffled by the man once again.

Well, as it has become obvious lately, I happen to be quite passionate in seeking to understand men and why they react the way they do to us?

Lately this is what I have been doing...... the experience with The man in Portland has been the perfect mirror for me to explore.

My thoughts in the beginning were to break the cycle that seemed to reoccur online for me with every man I have ever been interested in by doing one thing differently.

Maybe you can relate as well, ladies?

There will be a man that comes in and meets my criteria as far as you can tell by reading their profile, including body type. We will be having an interesting communication that appeals to me and then it happens........they disappear for a while.

This has been such a normal experience that bores me to death. What women want, is connection and relationship with a terrific guy. So where did he go?

What I know in my experience is he will be back a month later wanting to connect with me again and I have moved on with no more interest to connect with this man. There is the point of no return for me.

It has become so predictable and boring.

If there is no connecting what is the point for a woman? How can I get to know someone if he is not there?

It is not much fun and when there is no fun, it is clearly not for me.

More and more I am really realizing that online dating is ideal more for men than women. It is a candy store for men and perfect for how they are hardwired.

Which is not so great for a one man woman looking for a one woman man.

So I wanted it to be different with The man and I put out a request (man speak) that when he says he is going to call, then call and if he isn't sure he is going to call, to just not say anything at all would be great.

That this would truly make me happy.

I told him how boring the same ole same ole has been and wanted the path to be different for us.

Are there any other women out there that find this very thing annoying and predictable? If you're going to call, call, if not don't say anything.

My request was calm and clear.

Well I have found out a lot of valuable things on this journey of understanding men .

First I have found out that men say they are going to call and do not call as their way of playing hard to get and saying that they have a busy life.

Ok, so this is a man being a man and I will see it for what it is.

 I know there is a natural ebb and flow with man and woman, that is part of the beautiful dance of attracting the opposite sex, that I definitely get and enjoy the build up of excitement and adventure in getting to know one another.

Maybe my request was too early on in our meeting? Live and learn.

When it comes down to it if he really was the right guy this would not of been a deal breaker, right?

As I see it, a mature man would see that I had given him a gift that would surely make me happy if he were to follow this simple request.

Two days after making my request The man says, "I'll call you tomorrow."

Well I was so happy, this guy says he is going to call and he is actually going to call. Wow, this is so exciting to a woman.

As you probably guessed he did not call.

This felt like a blatant disrespect towards me, my needs and my happiness. If a man is not wanting to make a woman happy, my red flags go up. That is not normal.

So the red flags went up and I made him aware of how I felt this blatant disrespect.

Well as it turns out he had not even remember saying he would call yesterday.

So this is what I learned. Do not take things like this personally. These things that men do that they are oblivious to are not meant to mean, "I do not respect you or care about you."

When this happened, it felt blatant in my face, my thoughts were how can I trust a guy that does not want to make me happy?

Men would not put up with blatant disrespect and either am I. If I did he would walk all over me. So I said that this was such a simple request and this is how it made me feel when he did not honor it.

I look back and it was that moment where he switched gears completely. That he was going to show me what I caused for myself. He actually said to me, "Well,you brought this on yourself."

He went from kind and fun to never giving me anything I wanted again, except he did buy me a nice lunch and the zoo was fun.

So I explained where I was coming from and that really what I had done in making a request was that I had given him a gift that would surely make me happy and in turn make him happy.

After I had explained and though he had listened and everything was ok again. It never would be the same again. It did not matter where I was coming from apparently.

In the beginning we had connected in such a way that was so fun and easy.

What I learned from this is that he probably saw me as less confident and insecure.

Which was not at all true.

He told me how disappointed he was in me. I told him how disappointed I was in him.

So the rest of the time in Oregon was him throwing out the bone just enough to string me along and in a place where I did not know if I was coming or going. That was my hell that I will never go again because I learned so much.

I was misunderstood and he was not going to hear it.

I realize now that I had become this pretzel to please and try so hard to understand. I was not authentically myself with him nor was their any chance to go back it seemed.

Not attractive.

Men do not respect women that do not trust them. Even though I was willing to move forward and give him the benefit of the doubt, he was not willing to do the same.

He was obviously not my guy. Which is great to know.

Men are dazzled and enchanted by women that are exuding confidence, authenticity, passion and are receptive to what the man wants to give you.

Know your magnificence every step of the way from the inside out.

Be yourself and let him react to you.

One of my ways now of filtering through whether or not a man meets my high standards and criteria from now on is by if I can trust a man or not. From now on I will not ignore my red flags in this area. I will move on if I catch myself not feeling safe to be myself.

I hope that this helps men and women see themselves in this scenario where I have helped them see from the opposite sexes perspective and how we can misunderstand one another, be turned off and maybe miss out on something great?

Things that happen are always perfect, especially if we can learn and grow from each other.

I am just glad that I am confident, authentic and passionate about life and who I am.

I will continue to seek to understand men because I think men are fabulous and that the truth is they really want to make us happy and be the best that they can be.

By taking responsibility of my own part in this dynamic I get closer to experiencing my own harmony and fulfillment in relationships with men.

I love that I have the courage to travel by myself, take risks and take care of myself by speaking my truth and honoring and valuing myself first..

I told him I was moving on, sometime ago and thanked him for the lessons and the inspirations for my second book.

I got an email from him on Independence Day, wishing me a Happy 4th.

It's all good.

Please comment if you have any other insights that you can enlighten all of us on, that will help bridge the gap of the sexes.

Namaste

Comments

[Sparky]

Namaste Katherine!

Interesting post and some very good insight, however maybe, just a bit one sided, your perspective that is. It takes two to set out on the relationship path and without getting to know the other person, your personal expectations aside you have no way of knowing what their prior path has been like. Was it rocky, smooth, a murky swamp?

Ok, what I mean is that their reaction(s) to you are also largely predicated on past learned experiences and their interpretations of your communication, verbal, subtle, nonverbal, etc., so without open and direct communication on both parties signals get crossed and expectations become dashed.

Personally I have received playful banter from the women via phone, text, email and then in person poof all of that vanishes regardless of the level of prodding to get the fun to happen one-on-one. Honestly, I've experienced the opposite as well, where the banter is interpreted as an offer of relationship from day one.

We all need to be open to getting to know someone and then weigh those experiences against our "standard," I'm beginning to see that if "we" don't do this we carry prejudice from the very beginning. How unauthentic is that?

Oh and guess who???

[Katherine Lia]

Namaste Sparky,
I so agree with all that you had to say and appreciate such valuable insight. Thank you.
It is so true that getting to know someone is such an important part of the dating process. Also to set the past aside and to always begin from that moment on in seeing that person for who they are. We are all unique and magnificent in our uniqueness.
Once we think we know someone before we really know someone, we just cut ourselves off from really knowing that person.
I take it I know you, from your last sentence? Sparky, thanks. A man of mystery! I love it.
~Katherine Lia

[Sparky]

Namaste Katherine,

Well, let the mystery begin... Love your new profile, if that is what your recent post includes, it's so much more you. I love how it highlights your needs, this step is certainly something you deserve! Maybe if the stars align a glowing ember will ignite a passionate flame for one that's already nearby...

Namaste,

Sparky

[Katherine Lia]

Thank you for that. Mmmmmmm, I am so curious.........
I do not recall ever meeting a Sparky before?
~Big smile.

[Sparky]

Namaste Katherine,

A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, now wouldn't it? So whether Sparky, Frank, Jim, Mark, or Andy, the fact still remains that we have met, actually dated more than once and seemingly enjoyed each other's company.

Now for the tough part, just remember the when and where leads to the who...

Oh, by the way how's life in Eden and your wonderful home?

Namaste,

Sparky

[Katherine Lia]

Ok Sparky,
Where and when did we meet on our first date?
~curious one

[Sparky]

Namaste Katherine!

I've been traveling the astral highway ;) anyway I'm back in town now.

So you wan to know where we first met on our first date? Well where's the fun and mystery in that?

Do you like the childs game 20 question? Wanna play?

[Katherine Lia]

Are you bigger than a breadbox?
Would you do anything differently if we were to continue to date again?
Do you live within a 70 mile range from my home?
Do you own a sports car?
Are you a professional man?
Did you cook me dinner?
Do you love sushi?
Do you have a dog?
Would you still desire to date me again even if I told you there is only one man that I would remotely consider dating again from the past and that being said he would have to really step up to the plate and be real, authentic and honest to get my attention again?
Do you own your own house?
Did you ever call me Kate?
Do you ski?
There, twelve questions. Let's start here.You're right, this is fun.

[Katherine Lia]

I feel like I need to say some things. Since it appears Sparkey is not into playing 20 questions?
First off, when I wrote the question of "bigger than a bread box?" I was in the framework of being a kid again and that was always the first question. Seriously, I kid you not, otherwise I would not have written it. It was not until my friends made it obvious, by their reaction of laughing hysterically, (while i turned every shade of red)that I realized it also had a double meaning. Ooops! I decided not to change it because authentically I thought it was hillarious once I realized how everyone else would read this as the obvious, even though I was clueless at the time of writing it. It's funny, right?
So maybe Sparkey was shocked? Or maybe Sparkey....? I do not want to assume a thing. If Sparky is willing to communicate with me again, just know I am not the same person. I have grown spiritually and in self development expenentially, probably in some respects because of you. So thanks.
I will always be kind and authentic, if you decide to contact me again.I wanted you to know up front that I can not guarantee that I will be as interested as I was when we first met.Who can, right?
I do however appreciate your attempt to come back with mystery and fun. I was looking forward to playing 20 questions with you. This is such a typical man and woman scenario, trying to get along and pow....from the mans' perspective and poof from the womans' perspective. Where did the mystery man go?